Why You Keep Stopping (& How to Fix It): A Behaviour-Designed Approach to Language Learning

Hullo friends, it’s Olive. 🫒 If you’ve ever downloaded Duolingo, smashed a streak for a few weeks, and then fallen off the wagon (cue shame spiral), you are not terrible at languages, you are very simply just learning a language in the dark.

A lot of (historic) language advice focuses on grind and grammar and ignores the deeper stuff: motivation, identity, and joy. Thankfully, more modern language learning research (including my own from my MPhil in Education from Cambridge), shows that a deeper relationship to language is the foundation for real, sustainable learning.

I’ve spent over 10 years teaching and (badly) learning languages myself. I’ve ghosted my own languages, felt like a fraud, and cried many (many) time over French verb conjugations. More times than I will EVER admit publicly. Since leaving my 9-5, I’ve doubled down on how to reframe language learning (largely through building Private Joke ®, but also in secret).

Language learning is like a relationship. Forget quick wins and AI doing all the heavy lifting, the secret is daily consistency, having a TON of fun together, and investing thte time to build something for the long-term.

This is the idea behind my RELATE Framework, a simple, behaviour-designed approach that helps you build consistency, identity, and fun into your learning. It’s the OPPOSITE of streak-pressure or rigid “study harder” mantras. Yer welcome. ❤️

Why Most Language Advice Fails

Ever heard this? “Just do 15 minutes a day and you’ll be fluent in no time.” Cute idea. But if that actually worked, everyone in the UK would be able to speak about 17 languages, and I don’t see that happening anytime soon. Do you?

The truth is:

Apps focus on streaks & gamification for the sake of gamification, not real-life connection. Streaks measure compliance, not progress.
Shame kills motivation. Missing a day shouldn’t mean burning your whole plan. It also doesn’t matter if you can’t remember ANYTHING from French GCSE.
We forget the “why.” Language learning isn’t about ticking boxes; it’s about becoming someone who can express themselves in another voice, culture, and identity.

According to my research, the learners who succeed aren’t the ones who have the “most discipline.” They’re the ones who create an emotionally sustainable relationship with their language. See here: England is Blue and China is Red: A Case Study of Two Chinese Adolescents’ Expression of Linguistic Identity Through the Construction of English as a Second Language (ESL) Poetry

My RELATE Framework

RELATE is the six-step backbone of how I coach people to fall back in love with languages, (& actually stick with them long-term).

R: Reality snapshot
What’s really happening? We look at your habits, blockers, and current approach.

E: Energy calibration
Not every day is a high-energy day. I’ll show you how to keep moving forward even when you’ve only got 5 minutes and a brain made of mashed (or roast) potatoes. 🥔

L: Learner identity
Who are you becoming in this language? What’s the vibe of your “French self”?

A: Accountability architecture
We co-create light, shame-free systems so that progress feels natural, not forced.

T: Tiny playful practices
My personal FAVOURITE. The small wins build momentum. Think micro-experiments that make learning fun again.

E: Evidence & experiments
We track what actually works for you, then (if you want to continue with me, we will iterate every 2 weeks).

What Type of Learner Are You?

I’ve been grappling with this language business for years. From having to beg my French teacher to let me take her A Level (she didn’t think I would get the grades), to achieving a 1st in French, Chinese & Business at university, and then traveling the world while leveraging my languages … Whether as classmates, students, teachers, or Private Joke ® users, I’ve seen many different language archetypes in my decade of experience.

Most people fall into one (or more) of these 7:

The Sprinter & Ghoster: You go hard for 2 weeks, then vanish.
The Perfectionist Planner: You design flawless systems but never get started.
The Lone Wolf: You refuse help and burn out quietly.
The Content Collector: You hoard apps and YouTube videos with no routine.
The Shame Spiraller: You miss a day and bin the whole plan.
The Social Butterfly: You thrive in groups but struggle solo.
The Identity Shapeshifter: You love the idea of learning but never anchor it in daily life.

Feel free to drop in the comments which one you are! (Don’t worry, we’ll fix it.)

Play Is Serious Work

When I created Private Joke®, my language-learning card game, I was obsessed with making languages fun and accessible, especially for Brits who’ve been scarred by dull classroom drills.

Fun isn’t just a “nice to have.” It’s what makes you come back for more. Adults forget this think learning must be serious to be valid. But play is how your brain builds patterns, remembers better, and actually wants to engage.

For teens especially, play isn’t optional. It’s the secret ingredient to getting them engaged and self-motivated, rather than nagged. Trust me, I stand in front of audiences of thousands of teens delivering a Private Joke ® workshops. Play is essential.

What Happens in a Language Relationship Breakthrough Call?

This is a 50-minute 1:1 coaching session where we design a plan that feels like you.

Here’s what we do:

Map your language goals and habits.
Diagnose your pattern (Sprinter? Perfectionist? Something else?).
Build an energy ladder so you know what to do on good days and bad days.
Set up light-touch accountability structures (that you won’t hate).
Create 5–7 tiny playful practices to kickstart momentum.
Wrap it all up into your personalised RELATE Plan PDF.

Who Is This For?

Adults starting or restarting a language but don’t know where to start.
Busy professionals who want to build languages into real life (without burning out).
Teens (or parents of teens) who need structure + fun to stick with learning.
Anyone who’s sick of streak-pressure and wants a sustainable, shame-free system.

You’ll Leave With:

What You’ll Get From This Session:
Clarity on what’s blocking your progress and how to reset.
A personalised RELATE Plan, tailored to your goals and lifestyle.
5–7 playful, doable language habits you can start right away.
A clear 2-week roadmap for building momentum and consistency.
Motivation and strategies that go beyond apps and streaks, focusing on long-term success.